Amen, Shalom or Namaste?
Can you touch your toes without touching your soul? Let’s find
out
Is yoga the stretching routine or just some pagan-hindu stuff? Because last
week, the Greek and Serbian Orthodox Churches threw down their holy judgment
like it was a season finale: "Yoga has no place in the lives of Christians."
Why? Because according to the Holy Synod, those yoga postures are actually
Hindu spiritual sneak attacks in disguise.
Imagine thinking you’re fixing your back, but oops you’ve just summoned Vishnu
by accident. Someone call the exorcist, we’ve got a possessed yoga class!
And it’s not just them. The church has been side-eyeing yoga like it’s the
Antichrist in Lululemon. Back in Devon, England, a church banned yoga because,
apparently, stretching too deeply might open a portal to another religion. Who
knew trikonasana could cause a spiritual identity crisis?
And America? Oh, honey, America went full fire-and-brimstone in 2010 when a
Seattle pastor called yoga “demonic.” Forget Ouija boards, the real
danger is downward-facing dog. Satan’s probably running his own hot yoga
studio by now: “Abandon hope all ye who enter and bring water.”
Meanwhile, in Malaysia, yoga nearly got hit with a fatwa, because apparently
deep breathing and touching your toes is step one on the road to spiritual
bankruptcy.
And then there’s my personal favorite: A Catholic exorcist, yes, the real
deal, like out of a horror movie warned that yoga (and, plot twist, Harry
Potter) are gateway drugs to demon possession. First, it’s warrior pose; next
thing you know, you’re speaking in tongues and levitating in the living room.
But the crown jewel of yoga drama is this Toronto mom, Gina Clarke. Her
daughter came home from Grade 3 yoga class, and Gina got so mad. According to
her, stretching in class was basically spiritual trespassing.
All this holy panic makes me wonder did anyone tell Jesus that standing on one
leg wasn’t a moral issue? Because I’m pretty sure if the Sermon on the Mount
had better core strength, He would’ve done it in tree pose.
My personal solution? I don't really care about any of them... Amen, Shalom or
Namaste... who cares?
You can do the same, Heaven won’t mind, I promise.
Look, yoga’s roots are Hindu, sure. But in 2025, it’s mostly just modern
humans trying to survive stiff office chairs, emotional baggage, and
soul-sucking old age. Stretching is the new therapy. And if the only thing
getting possessed is your glutes, I say: Hallelujah.
So the real question isn’t “Is yoga Christian-approved?” The real
question is: Does it fix your back, clear your head, and stop you from
strangling your coworkers?
Because if the answer’s yes, that’s the kind of miracle even the Pope could
get behind.
And honestly what’s so scary about Hinduism anyway? It’s like the world’s
chilliest self-help guide:
Find out who you really are, be kind, and maybe stop reincarnating with
so much karma debt.
I’ll keep doing my stretches, saying the prayers or not, and minding my own
chakras. Namaste, Amen, Shalom... pass the holy water, my hamstrings are still
tight.
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