Without Feeling "I am", Still I Am!
Can I sit and be quiet?
Meditation. Being that is so important. Time when I don't ask anything, I
don't do anything. Such an apparently lazy way of spending time is highly
regarded in spirituality. It means that, for the time being, I am free from
the obsession with "what next."
When I am not in a hurry, my mind is free from anxieties. It becomes quiet,
and in that silence something may be heard which is ordinarily too fine and
subtle for perception. I am curious to find out what that is. What I am
actually doing is bringing my mind into the right state for understanding what
is real.
I am a brave for this discovery and don’t worry about my worries. I want to
be, just be. I do not try to be quiet; I do not make "being quiet" into a task
to be performed. I’m not restless about "being quiet" or miserable about
thoughts. I just remain aware that I am and I don’t say: "yes, I exist; what
next?"
There is no "next" in the "I am"
It is a timeless state.
I am what I am, forever but of what use is it to me unless I act on it? I go
around the world always begging for something mostly I want attention and
recognition from others but as long as I do not know my real being, I am a
loser. I must know my inner worth, my very existence, and trust it and express
it in my daily life.
Still, thoughts linger in spite of my vision of being. Well, the habit of
longing for the known past and fearing the unknown future is still here. I
must be brave and have courage to go beyond all this.
As long as I have an idea about myself as a name and body with a personality,
I take myself to be what I am not.
My mistaken identity
To know myself as I am, I must give up my idea that I am something.
As long as I am interested in my present way of living, I will not "see" my
real being. Discovery cannot come as long as I cling to the familiar. I
realize fully the immense sorrow of my life and I revolt against it.
There is nothing to learn. The learning is not what I am going about. I may
read spiritual literature, know the theory, but without the actual experience
of myself as the impersonal and unqualified center of being, love, and bliss,
mere words and sterile knowledge are not enough.
I try to be, only to be. Be my very existence. The all-important word is
"try." I allot 2 hours daily for sitting quietly and trying, just trying to go
beyond the personality, with its addictions and obsessions.
Don't ask me how, it cannot be explained. I will just keep on trying until I
succeed. If I persevere, there can be no failure. What matters supremely is my
sincerity and earnestness. I am really disgusted with being the person I am,
and I see the urgent need of being free of this unnecessary
self-identification with my memories.
This steady resistance against the unnecessary is the base for
my
future
After all, I am what I am every moment of my life, but I am rarely aware of it
except in meditation. All I need is to be aware of being, not as a verbal
statement, but as an ever-present fact in daily activities.
The awareness will open my eyes to what I am. It is all very simple. Constant
meditation.
All dependence on the world and others is futile, for what others can give,
others will take away. Only awareness will remain in the end. I accept no
guidance but from within.
Nothing I perceive is my own
Nothing of value can come to me from outside, from my thoughts; it is only my
clear sense of existence that is relevant and revealing. Thoughts, words,
meaning only create images in my mind but I am not a mental image. I am the
power of perception and action behind and beyond the images.
I am not truly interested in anyone. The others only enrich my own image of
myself which is egoistic, self-concerned and self-oriented. The ultimate
selfishness is to care only for the protection, preservation, and
multiplication of body.
By body I mean all that is related to it, my name and shape, my family,
country, race, etc. To be attached to my name and shape is the worst
selfishness. If I really accept without shadow of doubt, that I am neither
body nor mind then I cannot be selfish for I have nothing to be selfish for.
So I'll try again. If I keep on trying, something may happen. But if I don't,
I am stuck. I know all the right words, quote the religious scriptures, I'm
brilliant in philosophical discussions and yet I remain a bag of dead
bones.
What is my deepest, the final conviction, of who I
am?
Just as I'm not this clothes I wear, similarly I am not this body. That is
most important step. Slowly and effortlessly in meditation I am getting rid
of identification with body. My sense of I feels just like space - the
beginning and end of everything.
Without feeling "I am", still I am!
From this body and food I eat, I get knowledge "I am". On this "I am" sense,
thoughts come through self-dialogue and involvement with others, the daily
experiences. I observe them staying in the knowledge "I am". This is "just
being".
The world is spontaneously happening out. I am free from the world only by
seeing myself in right manner, not as an individual. Finally I'm realizing
there are no others, it is all consciousness.
My individuality is dissolving by meditation, by being the one with THAT by
which I know I exist.
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