My Spiritual Journey
I'm not making these videos trying to win your approval or sell you this particular brand of
bullshit.
On my channel I am not advising you to meditate, pray, or chant. I just do my thing. If it can
help you, so be it. Listen it, practice it, or just use the transcript for your ideas.
I'm not concerned if you do yoga or not. I am not trying to cleanse your chakras, or purify your
soul, or get you happy.
I'm certainly not trying to save you. Save from what? From yourself. Impossible. I urge you to
question your beliefs. Nothing else. My life has been changed. And the change is not related to
getting older.
Rather, the change happened in myself. In my beliefs. My goal is obtaining self-realization.
It's not easy. It's not supposed to be easy. All starts with dissatisfaction.
It's been 24 years since I started out on the spiritual journey of self-discovery. Since then
I've changed so much, I come so far, it's hard to remember exactly who I once was.
I know I was very ambitious, eager to make something of myself, to get the best of life. I was
pushy, loud, confident, in one word, just an asshole.
I was struggling with my beliefs, without real sense of what really matters in life. I used to
drive BMW, had a gold watch on my wrist, wear expensive clothes, around year 2000, a state of
inner dissatisfaction appeared, and it culminated in 2002.
The dissatisfaction with life is what I consider to be the most critical first step towards
inner self.
Maybe it's not your cup of tea, but it's a great place for anyone to begin. You begin spiritual
journey by being total asshole, and then you proceed step by step to find out that same fact for
yourself.
Some people may be naturally interested in spirituality, work hard to grow as person, to be
better person, have compassion and love for the planet, say sorry when they are done wrong, and
similar bullshit.
However they may find it difficult to see the obvious and ugly truth, they have no clue who and
what they are.
I can trace my spiritual journey back to a single decision, one that led me to the life-changing
events.
I wanted to become a saint. Yes, I really wanted that. Suffice it to say, I did not know what
sainthood exactly means, but I felt it was something good to strive for.
On January 3, 2002, I bought my first book, Fundamentals of the Esoteric Philosophy. I thought,
well, just like anything else, I can learn to be a saint.
At that time I had no clue that book belongs to theosophy. Anyway, I started with that. I read
Secret Doctrine by Madame Blavatsky, and I did not like the secrecy about it.
I needed something else than theosophy. I quite naturally, taught that it is important to
understand spiritual teaching, I taught that it is vital that my information be correct and
precise.
I understood at that time that enlightenment thing is like school where I have to understand one
thing before I can understand the next thing.
Soon I have seen that esoteric stuff does not help much, I was not reaching infinite, I was not
pure bliss, so I left theosophy and started to study Gurdjieff and his fourth way.
The things he discussed were fascination for me. At the time, it looks like Gurdjieff was
talking directly to me. I sincerely practiced self-observation and self-remembrance for two
years.
I was surprised and upset about my personality and my behavior. I discovered my inner world full
of lies, fears, and frustrations. I discovered my walking sleep. Then, I started to ask myself
consciously questions like, Who am I?
Where did I come from? What am I here for? Am I doer or just an actor? Am I at sleep all the
time? How can I be awake? Where am I going? I started to reject questions of general society,
such as what you do and what you have, and replace them with questions that get at the purpose
and meaning of life.
I practiced morning Zazen meditation and started doing yoga. In 2006, I discovered Nisargadatta
Maharaj, Sidharameshwar Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi, and they told me that I need to be.
I heard, there is nothing visual in self-realization. I was in state of complete daze when I
read Nisargadatta Maharaj book, I Am That, for the first time.
I wondered where is a blue light, Akashic records, soul traveling and all that. That was
something so different from my expectations, nothing to be seen or heard, real existence is
nowhere.
This, not that? Their words may not seem profound or earth-shattering to you, but they were for
me at that time.
They were the beginning of my conscious journey to discover who I am. Sure, I had a lot of
experiences, and life started to look weird.
I deeply believe we have appeared on this planet by life forms more intelligent than ourselves.
This world could be a hologram or a hallucination or something in between.
I was meditating daily, doing yoga, reading I Am That Book. and practicing self-observation and
self-remembrance in such a short time.
I had flashes of light in my head and many other experiences. In August, 2010, my mind literally
went to pieces. I ended up in hospital. To be quite honest, in my spiritual experiences, there
was nothing to be grasped.
There was no truth to be understood. There was no explanations to be heard. It was always the
same thing. The simple bright light diamond clarity without anything else.
That is how far I have traveled so far. I saw that feeling of self is not experience. What you
learn from experiences is simple and undeniable truth.
All is false, lies, experiences are for that. Spiritual journey bring disappointments. Slowly,
questions disappear until a day comes where there is no more question left.
In 2012, I met my last teacher, Jed McKenna. About 80% of the people who read Jed McKenna's
book, Spiritual Enlightenment, The Damnedest Thing, became fucked up and depressed for about a
month after reading it.
I am apprehensive about suggesting it to you to read Jed McKenna's books, but for me The
Damnedest is quite frankly the one of the most influential book I have ever read, and my current
life philosophy is based around some of the core concepts of the book.
McKenna cuts through all spiritual bullshit. Everything you do. Every identity you create in
life is in fear of the fact that your life has no meaning.
Fear that nothing really matters and your living is futile. In self-discovery there is nothing
to discover. You have to be. So set your attention into place before meaning of words.
That's being. Be there until your attention fades away.
